....I know some people think masturbation is okay for Christians,but I personally have misgivings about it ...it causes me to feel guilty (as well as emasculated) therefore I made a decision long ago (years) not to masturbate anymore . And I have,by & large,stayed true to this vow.However,every now & then my libido becomes so over-charged,& since I am not married & don't have the wealth to maintain a relationship,maybe once a year now I will watch sensual videos on youtube (without touching myself) until I come naturally. I still feel guilty and believe it is a "sin" (sin meaning not complete ,ie man was made for a woman & vice-versa & not for solo sexual expression) but gave myself permission (hopefully this will be the only time this year). I also confess that the sensual videos are lesbian in nature . For some reason I find adult lesbian drama to be more arousing than any other form (strangely,while I believe in male-female relationships as the Biblical model,I am turned off (or not turned on) by depictions of male sexuality....which I think is healthy,indicating I do not have homosexual inclinations. I think its healthy that I am aroused by female sexuality and yet not a purveyor of pornography.I find myself justifying the use of lesbian videos (once again, sensual & suggestive rather than graphic,which Youtube does not allow) for my annual "let down" (which does not have a specific date & sometimes may be beyond a year...I don't keep track) because it tells me I am aroused by female sexuality,not male (even though in real life I believe the Bible commands sexual relations between male & female,not same-sex; the depictions on youtube are fiction..the question being whether such fiction is harmful for the participants psychologically is a separate matter of concern,which I need to also take seriously & will do so in the near future).To be honest,what I enjoy most in the lesbian depictions is less the sexuality and more the intimacy. I think cranky or legalist or grouchy or bossy women have caused some problems in society in terms of Biblical manhood & womanhood & so when I see feminine happiness depicted ,it gives me a feeling of well-being beyond "getting off" sexually. Happy women make me feel good in general,even though in reality a lot of actual lesbianism is not so happy or healthy (ie with all the themes of bondage & domination,etc) . I also find some positive endorphins from breastfeeding videos (I was never breastfed as a child).
Hence,this is my confession and also a partial defense or justification pending true "completion" of my life on earth (ie hopefully marriage to a woman & a good,wholesome marital,covenantal relationship).
I am thankful to God for continued spiritual growth & while still feeling a bit emasculated & guilty for my "regression",I ask for forgiveness & pray for a faithful female partner with whom I can become engaged & married to at some point & "be fruitful & multiply" in the literal sense,while also continuing to be fruitful in the spiritual sense in terms of reaching others with the Good News,remaining & growing inChrist,& become a better person every day,for the Kingdom!
